Saturday, 3 October 2015

Shadow Work October ~ What is my biggest fear?


Sometimes my tarot deck scares the shit out of me with how accurate it can be. No, with how accurate it IS. I've had two of my main decks charging under some selenite and clear quartz for most of the day and they seem to better for it and have given me a crystal clear reading (ironically!). I will admit that our recent move has rattled me a bit, and events have snowballed over this past week leaving my nerves in tatters once again so when I walked by my cards and felt the urge to let them speak to me I hesitated big time. I walked past them a few times before I worked up the courage to pick them up and sit down with them. Then it took every stitch of will power to breathe in all those stresses and worries, gather them into a ball of light, and breathe them back out. After several breaths I eventually fell into my calm, centered self and let my intuition take over. Just an FYI to my future self, reading the cards when you're flustered, tired and zoned out takes A LOT of work, and I don't like my tarot readings to feel like work.

BUT, after all that, they told me precisely what I needed to know. I'm here blogging this particular read because it shook me to the core and I need it to be someplace other than my journal. I suppose I want others to see this. It was a big thing to ask, it's very personal, because I am a tangled mess of emotion most of the time and I was honestly terrified of what might come to light.

What is my greatest fear?
From the Wild Unknown: Strength followed by Five of Pentacles. That's the Wild Unknown telling me how it is as always. From Shadowscapes (because I felt I needed to): Six of Wands. This is my 'dream come true' deck. What I want in my heart, it knows and it will show me what I seek. This is actually why I like to use these two decks together; one is to the point, straight up, honest, practical, stable, dependable, responds to what I ask, and the other is whimsical, longing, dreams, truths from the heart and soul, emotional and if it feels it needs to it will ignore my question and send me a message in answer to something bigger that has been on my mind without my knowing it. This is both good and bad, but it takes two sides, two parts, two points of view to make up the whole. Balance.

Achieving strength. Achieving mastery of my own will power, of my own self control, of my compassion, of my emotions, and KNOWING myself. Really KNOWING myself. That is my biggest fear, that I will never do that, that I will never master my inner self or understand myself. I need to make sense, I seek it constantly and it drives me insane 'not knowing'. I find myself feeling so lost, worried, anxious, stressed all the time in one way or another and it's not only taking me over, but it's causing me harm. All those things are going around in a big circle, I feel them, then those feeling cause more of those feelings, then the situation that caused those feelings gets lost, and I'm stuck in a repetitive cycle of self destruction. I absolutely yearn for self-mastery and I feel it every time I fail. I struggle with finding that central focus, and with finding and more importantly achieving that sense of inner peace knowing that I've 'worked myself out'. I asked what was my greatest fear, and the cards have shown me what it is, why it is, and that I want to conquer it. What it has not shown me is HOW to conquer it. I feel like if I drew another from Shadowscapes I would have my answer but I'd like to mull this over a while first. Six of Wands has influenced this read in a HUGE way because it's shown me what I want. Reaching that goal would be the ultimate triumph for me!


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