Monday, 22 February 2016

Women of wisdom

”postToday (last Wednesday, the 17th. I forgot to publish this post!)  marks a week since I arrived back home with my parents. It has flown by so quickly, it feels like it's all happened in the blink of an eye. In my heart I know that this quiet serene peace has been missing from my life for so long and I am finally able to accept that peace back into my life and let it lead me toward a state of permanence. When you spend so long doing the same thing day after day and struggling to keep a smile on your face, losing your temper, not having family around you to call on in times of need and in times of joy, feeling a heavy weight inside that no matter how hard you try you just can't seem to lighten, the sudden sense of being surrounded with women who love you and who help you up is overwhelming. Yesterday my aunts and cousin came out to visit and we all had a fantastic BBQ together, then a few beers in the shed later in the afternoon. I haven't had a full bottle of beer in over two years! Suddenly when everyone comes home in the afternoon and we're sitting on the verandah looking out over the landscape, cool breeze blowing, sounds of birds around us, knowing the children are safe and happy, I'm opening a bottle and bloody hell it's amazing. Sadly it only took two and a half over the space of three hours yesterday before I felt I'd had enough, isn't that a bit depressing?

My cousin sat with the baby in her lap for hours happily playing with him, and took my toddler off into the back yard to chase chickens and pet the donkeys through the fence. I didn't ask her to, she just did it and it made my heart swell. Mum was bringing in the washing and everyone was standing around the garden at the time when she said 'What shall we do (about Tash), oh, great women of wisdom' and my aunt looked around and then replied 'they're all dead' and you should have heard the laughter. I suppose the implication that the women my mother and her sisters used to turn to for wisdom and advice are no longer with us, and that now that task falls to them for the next generation was hilarious. We all have an inherently odd sense of humour. You have a choice in every shit situation to either laugh or cry. After years of experience we've all decided to laugh. As mum says 'If at the end of the day nobody died, every thing else can be fixed and you've done the best you can'. I really should get that tattooed on my butt.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Snapshots of Sunday

A foggy morning in Byabarra 
Mum and dad's garden, or some of it at least! 
Brycey-Bum being cheeky as ever, and Lynton helping to water the garden, and playing fetch with AJ! A dog and a toddler with endless energy is a match made in heaven.

Thursday, 11 February 2016

Fly away home

Here I am in beautiful Byabarra, staying with the kids on my parent's property. I arrived very early Wednesday morning around 2am after a long car drive from Sydney, which followed an equally long flight from Darwin. Both of the boys did well considering the circumstances, the poor things were exhausted by the end of it. But here we all are! Safe and on our way to finding a bit of calm and quiet.
Every time I make the trip back to NSW I'm amazed at how different it feels to the NT and I find myself relaxing into the familiar which I think is the normal reaction to 'home'. This is the first time visiting mum and dad's new house and it's just gorgeous out here. Yesterday I took the toddler down to see all the animals which included some very big fish in a bathtub, a sweet little bunny (which he was smitten with), a large fluffy and very excitable Labradoodle who was only too happy to have a little person to play with, a duck that thinks it's a chicken, the chickens who share their house with the duck, and two donkeys. We are one of only eight houses here, one church, and a cafe and art gallery. On the odd occasion there will be a car going by, but the only sounds out here are those of birds and blissful nothingness. Which I disturbed promptly by introducing little people into it. Sorry, nature.

Oh, and the weather! I absolutely cannot express exactly how amazing it is to walk outside and not feel like you're in a sauna. It's a dry heat but there is actually a cool breeze. A cool breeze. The kind we get for a month in dry season up North. AH-MAZING. Needless to say that I'm very happy in my temporary new surroundings. At this stage I'm not sure how long we'll be staying, but I'm sure I'll know when the time is right. I am here to have a break from the every day, I'm here to reconnect with myself and work some things out. I am here to spend time with family, and give the kids the experience of swimming on the shore without the fear of croc-attack. I'm here to allow others to help me with the care of the children in an environment that doesn't cause me anxiety or stress. Already I can see how my shift in mood has positively affected the moods of my kids. It's hard to shake the guilt of causing them unnecessary tension, but I need to keep on reminding myself that that is precisely why I am here. I was aware that I wasn't properly taking care of myself and I was equally aware of the fact I was trying to squeeze blood from a stone in giving my all to those in my care. I've been feeling so drained and I guess now it's time to refill that cup!

I bought along some of my favourite things to help the process along; my colouring book, pencils and Inktense pencils, my camera and 50mm lens, all my crystals and stones came with me wrapped in scarves, clothes that make me feel fabulous, a few tarot decks (it was hard not to bring them all but sadly I had to leave room in my suitcase to take things home with *wink* I plan on visiting all the crystal shops in Port Macquarie when we go in, and the Op shops, and we have plans to visit the Comboyne show next weekend! I'm so excited for that!!

I'll try to blog regularly while I'm here, and I will definitely be back to share more photos. In the meantime, this is Cinnamon Bun. The toddler is in love with her.

Friday, 5 February 2016

January in review

I debated whether or not to write a post this fortnight. I've had a terrible past two months sickness-wise; it just feels like it's neverending and it's taken its toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically. It has felt like one thing after another because that's exactly what has been happening. Unfortunately my immune system is so run down at the moment that I've been catching every little viral thing that passes my way. Currently on the menu is flu, as the CDC was kind enough to call and confirm for me this week. It's bollocks. Utter bollocks. Now my two year old has a fever and is under the weather and I'm just hoping he avoids the worst of it. We, the children and I, actually fly out of Darwin next Tuesday and are heading down to visit mum and dad for a while. I'm not sure for how long at this stage, but we just need the break away. I'm excited for my family to finally meet Bryce!!

I should still write about my January despite feeling like poop now, the first month of 2016 and the first month having a Leonie Dawson planner in my life, because aside from being perpetually ill I've actually achieved quite a bit! You'll notice there are four colouring pages completed; one each week as planned. My little crystal collection expanded (sunstone, girasol, amazonite, rainbow moonstone and obsidian to name a few), I started a nice big family sized chunky bobbly bath mat with my random coloured balls of yarn, I added to my stationery stash, I have begun a crochet popcorn flower cushion cover with some beautiful seaside themed coloured cotton, I learnt how to make a dreamcatcher which you can check out HERE, I finished the Little Red Tarot Alternative Tarot Course in preparation for beginning the Moondaughter Metaphysical Practitioner course this month (and again, thank you Nichole, for hooking me up with that amazing half price sale!!). I wrote and published a crochet yoga sock pattern to the pattern (HERE if you want a squiz), I decluttered 80% of the house, and I joined Eric and my classmates in a couple SotoTarot classes live which was a nice change. I stopped biting my nails, I replied to my Penpal (Hi Lena!), I printed off photos of the boys and made a beautiful photo book which I'd been wanting to do for months, I studied French on Duolingo nearly every day of January, I made a heart garland for a Shining Biz and Life friend, I learnt how to make bath bombs, I created a tarot spread and wrote out the bones of my tarot ethics for Inner Magic Tarot, and last of all I designed the tattoo I'd like to get this year.
 Busy month! And productive :) Might I say how absolutely incredible it is to actually write down the things you want to achieve! It keeps those things present in your mind, and they become easy to accomplish when you pop them into your planner. I wasn't too sure I'd like the planner when I first flipped through it but now that I'm using it, have filled it with ridiculously adorable stickers, and have scribbled all through it in multi-coloured Sharpie, I absolutely cannot be without it.

 That was possibly the biggest thing I learnt over the month of January - I do not need to do everything at once. Goals are easy to achieve when you plan for them and break them down and can be worked toward a little at a time. That concept is generally unknown to my Aries nature, but the tiny bit of Taurus in me was coaxed into being allowed to take over and we took it a bit slower than we normally do. Except you know what I didn't do this month? I didn't reward myself for completing what I'd set out to at the beginning! Tut-tut-tut. I guess that means double rewards next month, right? OH YEAH!

How I got back in control of my anxiety

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