Monday, 28 March 2016

It starts with Pokemon

This weekend we introduced Master L to Pokemon. Turns out it's all available to watch free online so we started from episode one and it's still just as awesome as it was then! So good!! And more adult jokes involved than what I picked up on when younger. Jessie and James are actually quite an endearing couple of 'bad guys'. Once I started watching it again I felt super inspired to draw some Pokemon. I started with an Oddish, then a Caterpie who is slightly disproportionate, a Vulpix, and then a Togepi. It's totally addictive and I'm fairly sure I know what I'm going to be doing with my week now. 

Yes that's a toad. It must have come inside during the night and I woke up to it squeaking in the corner. YUCK. My dog is now fired as protector of the household. I dyed the tips of my hair purple because hey why not! My mandala crystal pouch has been tied to my handbag (ocean jasper in there at the moment), and I'm into week four of Lunar Flow. So far things are going along, not quickly, but going along. I've been here longer than I expected or wanted to be. I need to get out of here and have a plan in place soon or I risk falling into my dark place again. I had so much enthusiasm a month ago but now it seems like everything has been on pause for too long and I'm regaining the feeling of helplessness. Before too long I know the powers that be will want to know why the paperwork isn't in yet and they will make the decision for me whether I'm ready to move or not. Andrew, if you're reading this I don't want to make you feel pressured, but I'm scared of what may come very soon if we don't find a way to make this work.

I'm trying to push through my days but this house and this environment make me feel like shit. I've tried so hard to keep my positivity up and trust that everything will happen in Divine time, but I feel so lost and I don't want to feel this way. I'm losing grasp of my situation, I'm losing the willpower to get through it all and come out the other side, and I'm losing confidence in myself to be capable as a single mum. A few weeks ago there was such a great fire of determination within me and it's slowly simmering down and I'm in danger of having fear snuff it out entirely. This was so much easier when I had family to support me in person, telling me I could do this. Now I feel so far away and so detached I just don't know what to do.

My goals are all over the place, what I want is getting muddled up with what I need, I'm taking less responsibility around the house and causing myself stress because I'm not organised. I'm not ungrateful to the Universe for this, if I'm still here there must still be a lesson to be learnt or it's just not the right time yet. I wish though that I could have some kind of sign to let me know the cogs are still turning. A little spark of hope, a sign of momentum, something encouraging to help me strengthen my resolve.

The cards? Oh that's a Mind, Body and Spirit reading. I wanted to use this highly intuitive time to delve inward and test the power of this waning moon over divination. I've discovered that I wax during the wane and wane during the wax, but my full moon and new moon powers remain the same.  Pulling the High Priestess in the place of 'Mind' was such a strong message. She's all about psychic wisdom and mystery. Ever since reading Secrets of the Moon by Patsy Bennett,, finding my true North Node and since the full moon I've felt highly in tune with myself. I'm exploring another realm. Learning to acknowledge the shadows is my focus over this phase; something is still hidden within and I want to know what it is. I feel it's something big and to discover it and bring it to light will bring about a big revelation.
Temperance, a message from the body? I don't think any other card could have given a clearer message! I've been a bit excessive on the unhealthy stuff, food and movement (lack of) wise and now is the time to practice some restraint and and moderation. Yes I know, over Easter! I'll find a new sense of balance though, and I already know that I've been working on this with the practice of Yin yoga and my recent turn to vegetarianism. Ace of Cups fell out in this position as well, and I believe it's telling me that my changes are good ones, this new journey will be a good one and I'm an emotional cup ready for the filling! Hopefully with lots of happy. It did fall out in reverse but I haven't felt like The Wild Unknown wants itself to be read that way, and I don't feel it's right either.
From the spirit, my spirit, The Emperor. A word that replays itself over and over as I looked at this card was 'steadfast'. My spirit needed reminded that I am decisive and stable and rooted to the Earth. Within me is the ability to think clearly, to make decisions and to make actions. I have been feeling unsteady as I talked about already in this post and unsure as a mother. I really do need to trust that when the time comes I will be able to stand as tall and strong and I will know what to do.

I haven't read the cards in so long. Not properly or seriously anyway because I was worried I'd be too out of touch. But I did it when the urge came to me instead of avoiding it and I'm glad that I did. The messages were clear and my intuition was vibrant and sharp. It's reconnected me with my guides I think, they probably breathed a sigh of relief when I finally laid down my velvet cloth and lit the candle. I did too :-)


2 comments:

  1. I think your courage and determination is amazing and I know you can see this through. Sending you lots of fairy wishes and butterfly kisses xxxx

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    1. Thank you for your ever-uplifting words :-)

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