Wednesday, 26 October 2016

The Tinder Post.

Not too long ago I decided to join Tinder. And I have some things to say about it. Now I'm not saying I actually MET with any of those mentioned, and I am certainly not going to set out to hurt anybody's feelings here... that's not cool. Tinder is your own prerogative and you are the way you are, I'm not about to slam that. I'm only here talking about my own experiences and preferences. 

Things I've learnt about myself from Tinder...

If you post a photo of yourself with girls hotter than me, I will left swipe you. That's not necessarily a fault with you, just that I'm not interested. If that girl(s) is kissing you, I will very quickly left swipe you. What are you hoping to achieve exactly? Prove that you're desirable, or in a relationship and cheating? Not cool. Even faster left swipe if you're asking for a girl to join in your threeway.

If you have a photo of your torso taken in the bathroom mirror, I will left swipe you. Evidently you are looking for someone equally as vain and are going on face value.

Photo of you snuggling/playing with 'my cousin's/brother's/sister's kids' but aren't interested if the other person already has kids? Left swipe. I get that sometimes women think it's sweet when men interact with little kids, and think 'oh, he must be father material' but it's a massive double standard and you need to stop doing that.

Cuddling a cat or dog? You sucker, I'll probably talk to you.

Red head? I will be all over you like a fat kid on a donut. Not even kidding. 

If you have a seethingly sarcastic bio you will likely be right swiped. I find a quick wit alluring. There may be a barrier in texting/chatting in some ways when it comes to tone, but wit and sarcasm are easy to detect if they're followed through on it. Some of my best conversations have been based entirely on sarcasm. And puns. I'm ok with puns. Hit me with your best pun. 

For the love of Zeus don't ask me how I am as a starting line. What do you want me to say to that? just 'good, you?', 'oh, just slipping into my wet look cat suit and heading off to the local BDSM chamber' 'well actually my kid just threw up on me, so gonna take a shower now LOL'.

Things I've had sent to me as a starting line: 

'hey do you want to come over and watch porn on my flat screen mirror?' Truth be told I did giggle at that one. But no.

'Snap chat me? *wet explosion emoji winky face* Also, NO. Apparently snap chat sex is a thing? I did not know that. That being said I'm only new to snap chat and my longest streak is 11 days (let's not stop ever, Mandy. Til the day we die)

'Hey I noticed you read tarot, want to come to my hotel room?'. Do I honestly look stupid? Why not send 'Hey girl, I noticed you read tarot, want to climb into my van and have some candy corn?'

'You're probably not going to believe me but we're here from Sydney and my friend crochets, plus he was actually saying he wanted to get his tarot read while he's here, want to hang out?' No, that wasn't actually a sleazy pick up line. That one was telling the truth.

'What animal would you steal from a zoo?' I answered all of the otters, in case you're wondering. I also explained at length that I wouldn't just walk in and take them. I'd spend the time letting them get used to me, then when the time was right they would come with me willingly to freedom or not at all.

Can I serenade you with my guitar? I may be naked. Well, ok. That's a new one. He knew who Goodnight Nurse were so that's a small plus I suppose. I didn't go along with it so there were no other small surprises.

Things I accept and won't cringe at:

Star wars gifs. Totally fine... then commence epic gif-off. 
'Hey there, I like coffee too' Good. We can be friends. 
A genuine 'Hi, I really like your photo, I think it's cute' That's good! Do that. Do not just send 'Hey babe, you hot lol' Bonus negative points if you write 'u' instead of 'you'. Golly gosh I have high standards, don't I? 

If I have to explain what the big words I use mean it's not going to work out. Just go. I'm not a total IQ snob but I am a self-confessed grammar nazi and appreciate a little intelligence. Just a smidge. 

And lastly: 
 Let me make this perfectly crystal clear. If you are into, erm, how to put this, 50 shades stuff, then it's probably not a good idea to spring that on someone you've only just met. Ask first, for the love of bacon. It's a little twisted. And not at all in a good way. In more of a 'you want to do WHAT?! Uh, no. Yes I'm sure. Please leave' kind of way.

So there we have it! That's all I have so far... it's been funny and entertaining having Tinder, that's for sure. It's also surprisingly given me the opportunity to step a little outside of my comfort zone and meet people again after thinking I'm a giant hideous swamp creature from the black lagoon and no one would ever want me ever again. So thanks to those who helped pull me out of my slump. Internet apps are fantastic for the introverted. I've also made some friends, had some laughs, had some beers, and scored free puppy cuddles. Most of all I think I've learnt that if you are just honest with people, you will eventually find someone who you can actually click with. And that's pretty neat.

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