Tuesday, 1 August 2017

That 'what am I doing with my life?' post

Be warned, this is another one of my long rambling, 'trying to work out my thoughts' posts that often makes no sense to the outside world BUT I feel it's necessary, and it's my blog so I'll post whatever I want *pokes out tongue*

OK so this one is about hitting an inspirational wall, and asking that niggling question "what am I doing with my life?" I'm going to launch right into this so here we go.
Sure, it's busy being a stay at home mum but when many friends and people I know of are studying and/or working as well as raising their kids I feel the added pressure to be doing *something* of worth. Parenting is not a waste of time, and that's not at all what I'm discussing here today. I find myself wondering what I'm working towards, and thinking about how I should be using my time. Do I have the opportunities now to set down the foundations for living my dream later on that I'm not taking advantage of? Because that's been on my mind a lot lately. What do I plan to do once Lynton starts school?
I think back to the times in my life when I managed all those crochet orders and kept on top of it all (mostly) and wonder where I lost the passion for that. Is it just me not being able to stick to something, or have I just not found my 'thing' yet? There are so many artistic and creative pathways I've already followed and explored, and I still feel there are more ahead of me, but why hasn't something presented itself more obviously to me yet? (can't half see the impatient Aries sun and moon there, can you? *cough cough*). Am I still in the 'trying things to find where I fit' phase?

Now PLEASE don't try to tell me 'but you're only 28, you still have your life ahead of you, it'll work out' because it may well do, but that doesn't help me in feeling a sense of chasing a dream or accomplishing anything right now. I'm not talking about huge, grand sweeping, monumental achievements here... I'm talking the little things, and what will those little things, once completed add up to? This thought stems from staring at my '100 things to do in 2017' list, which has 84 of the 100 things it should have listed, and seeing that the easier ones have been checked off but the trickier ones are still sitting there waiting for me to get started. And then once I've achieved them, what then? Where will I actually be after that?

I know there is no one size fits all 'should' when it comes to us as individuals, we can only do what works for us, and we can only do that once we've worked out what actually does work for us. And I'm fairly sure we are in pursuit of that our entire lives. So what about the tools I have to help point me back in the right direction; why haven't I meditated on it, or said to the Tarot "Guys, HELP MEEEEEE. Throw me a metaphysical slap in the face, would ya?". Good question. Because I've been in the semi-detached all too familiar 'survival mode' and fallen rather alarmingly back into the trap of self pity without taking steps to better myself or the situation. Very VERY naughty, Tasha. The techniques for catching those old cognitive habits were given to me at the beginning of the year and stuck above my desk... have I been reading them regularly enough to catch the old tape clicking over and running willy-nilly in my head? Nope. How can I expect to replace those old thought processes with new ones if I can't be bothered recognizing that I'm doing them? Exactly.

Welcome to the inside of my brain at the moment... can I offer you a beverage?

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