Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Slowing down under pressure


I'm experiencing a case of the 'completely unmotivated to do the things that need doing'...it's not fun. Both kiddies have colds at the moment and sleeping is a thing they aren't doing (although it's never been a strong point of theirs anyway really, but it did get better), it's absolutely humid and hot as balls here in old Port Mac, we're all tired and grumpy, it's just bleeeeeegh. Boob sweat, guys. Boob sweat.

The list of things to get done include taking L up for his 4 year old health check, going to the dr to get a new script for the happy pills for another few months, both of those things involving a VERY FUCKING LONG wait at the 'super clinic' up the road. I know from experience that taking two boys in there for even an hour of waiting is a nightmare, not even gonna try while they're both sick, not even gonna try walking up in this shitful heat, and not even gonna try and manage that on the very little amount of sleep I've had. Safe to say I scratched that off the list until further notice... however the knowledge that it still needs to be is lurking lurking lurking.
Money is stressing me the fuck out as well, but it always does that, so not much point giving to much more worry to that than usual. The fact I'm sweating all over and grimy is not helping. As I sit here typing I pine, I yearn, I dream of a shower but as the bathroom shares a wall with Bryce's room and after an hour of trying to get him to calm down and take a nap, and the silence that has finally befallen his room, there's no way I'm going to risk disturbing that. No way at all.
And so to ease this feeling of 'what the fuck am I doing with myself' I decided to put a plan into action I had for my room. I'd wanted to rearrange it for the past month or so but knew that it would be a whopping great task to achieve on my own. OF COURSE I decided to tackle that this morning on my own, because I'm either extremely determined, extremely stupid, or a bit of column A and B combined. As I went about huffing and puffing dragging furniture about I thought about how a task can seem impossible until it's done. Choosing to send something into chaos so that we can rearrange, adjust, start over, is sometimes necessary for the better. I was thinking how moving things that were probably a bit too heavy for me to manage but succeeding anyway reminded me that we're capable of more than we often perceive ourselves to be capable of. I stood in the center of a massive disorganised kerfuffle and thought 'what the hell have I done?' but knew that going forward was the only way... I couldn't very well leave it as it was! And when the moving of furniture was done, and the floor was vacuumed, a scented candle had been lit, the kitten playing on my bed, my closet sorted through and emptied of what I didn't need, the curtains were open, my scarves were neatly organised onto new hooks, I stood and smiled because not two hours before all of it was simply an idea. An idea I took into my own hands and bought to life.
Perhaps the metaphor seems a bit menial but it was so prominent in my thoughts I wanted to write about it.
"Doing the thing IS the thing" 
meaning that it isn't only when the task is completed that you should feel satisfied that you've achieved something, because we'll always have tasks to achieve after that and the feeling will come again, but it's the knowledge that you have a thing to do, or want to do, and plan to make it happen. There's no use in thinking "Once I do this, I'll find peace", find peace in the moment and in yourself as you go about your tasks and life and you'll shake loose that hurried sense of 'I must do this, and this, and that, and remember to go here, then go there'. You can do absolutely anything! But you can't do everything at once. And that right there is a thing I find myself struggling with every damn day. But hey, I'm working on it! Xx

How I got back in control of my anxiety

Has anyone else found the past week or so especially more stressful and difficult emotionally and stress-level wise than normal? I certainly...